Just when I thought no one can be edgier than an edgelord...
So, this story was thankfully a short experience due to the edgelord not being in the campaign for more than two sessions. However, I think it's an interesting one because it involved two edgelords both being in a party at the same time, kinda.
So, we were running an online short term 5E game. We are currently between campaigns and had a new player join our discord server and show interest in playing with us. We figured a short campaign of about ten sessions was a perfect way to get acquainted. Things were made very clear from the start that this would pretty much be a comedy campaign as our last campaign had a very dramatic and emotional finale and we wanted to cut loose for a bit. It's also worth noting that this player is new to our group but not to tabletops or even DnD. They claimed quite a bit of experience under their belt and, based on how they built their character and knew the rules well, I'm inclined to believe them. I mention this only because it seems so unbelieveable later.
There were five of us in total. Our DM who I hadn't seen DM before but they were a great player and turned out to be really good, throwing themselves into every character and 100% commiting to the terrible but incredibly entertaining character voices.
Me, playing "Skeebles", a goblin cavalier fighter who rode on the back of a blink dog. The blink dog was quite a coward and would occasionally teleport out of danger, leaving the rider behind.
My friend, playing "Oliver" (was insistent on the pronunciation "O-liv-ee-ay"), a high elf wild magic barbarian who believed themselves to be a powerful mage like the rest of their family. Our former DM, playing "Black Kain", a drow assassin rogue who wore a dark cloak and spent most of their time brooding. We were surprised by this due to the DM's nature and the comedic setting. We had never seen them play a PC either, so there was some doubt about whether or not this is how they normally played. Still, they had been an excellent DM so we waited to see.
The new player, on the other hand, we knew nothing about but still seemed to have hit the cliche perfectly. They were playing "Donec Mors " (which is literally latin for "Long Death") a fallen Aasimar grave cleric who was an initiate in a death cult, sent out to hone their skills before becoming a fully fledged member. I think they played a cleric because we mentioned that a healer would be nice but I don't think they ever did any actual healing.
Despite our trepidation, we were excited to see what the DM turned player and new player had to offer. Session one begins and we have been hired by a king to commit accounting fraud. That might not sound that interesting but it was based on a really fun idea. The concept was that dragons were attracted to gold so accountancy was an important role in any kingdom, making sure too much gold is never stockpiled at the same place. Our job was to destabilise a kingdom by sneaking gold into their royal vault. A reverse bank heist, if you will. It was important that we made sure no one knew that we did it, or they would remove the gold before the dragon arrived. Therefore, we made a plan to make the heist look like a botched assassination attempt on the queen.
On the way there, we talked a little. Oliver and Skeebles became good friends quickly, bonding over stories of great battle that they were both lying through their teeth about and trying to one up each other. Donec was silent, answering any attempts to talk to her with dismissive grunts or one word answers. Kain also seemed quiet but eventually talked. In fact, once we spoke to them, they began to talk way too much. They opened up about their horribly complex and ridiculously tragic backstory almost immediately and how they only desire to get revenge on a comically long list of enemies. Me and my friend pretty quickly figured out that this was an ironic stereotype and played along, laughing as we did so. A particularly funny sequence was Kain talking about how they drank poison in small amounts to become immune. Oliver and Skeebles both demanded to see this trick and, with edgelord confidence, Kain downed a whole bottle of his own poison. He spent the next few hours throwing up and trying not to cry (unsuccessfully.)
Surprise! He's not a real edgelord!
So, everything was good, mostly. New player was still not really interacting but we figured they were just getting their bearings and weren't yet comfortable with roleplay.
I won't get into the details of the heist much but at some point we had to split up, half of the group would fake the assassination while the other half would deliver the gold below ground. Donec made their first real character decision and firmly insisted on being in the assassination team. Alright, no problem. Skeebles wanted to fight the royal guard and so chose to be in the assassination group. Kain was better at sneaking and Oliver was convinced that their ‘spells’ could help them break into the vault so they went below.
While the other two were sneaking their way in, Skeebles and Donec both had to force their way into the throne room and loudly shout a proclamation for the queen's head. We get into fighting and Skeebles focuses on kiting the very strong royal guard around. I wasn't trying to fight them of course, we had no chance. But we needed to delay. Donec, on the other hand, had alternative ideas. Rather than helping, she allowed Skeebles to be a distraction as she rushed at the queen. She used her Path of the Grave to give the queen vulnerability and then next turn tried to cast Inflict Wounds on her. However, the Queen has royal mages, who counterspelled it and started battling the cleric. Skeebles was getting ready to run soon but wouldn't leave their companion behind. He kept shouting that it was time to go and the plan had 'failed.' Donec was not leaving. In fact, they weren't even fighting the mage. They were focused on trying to kill the queen exclusively which led to the mage putting them down quickly. Skeebles ran in to help Donec but got surrounded by the guard and abandoned by his dog, who ran out of the palace.
We were captured. Now, that was dumb, sure, but it wasn't unsalvagable. We were only captured and the actual gold delivery had worked without detection. Now our companions just needed to rescue us before we were forced to spill our secrets.
Session two starts with Donec and Skeebles being placed in a dungeon below the palace. Skeeble's dog finds the others and manages to indicate that something has gone wrong. They use her sense of smell to locate them and sneak back into the palace again, making jokes about the security as they go. They locate us and there's a rescue which was fun but I won't go into details. Finally, we're out. Time to go back and report to the king of the opposing nation that it all worked.
So, we're set to leave the city after a nights' rest. That's when Donec disappears. As our characters sleep in an alleyway, since taverns seemed like a bad idea. Skeebles is actually quite at home but Oliver hates it. Kain says it reminds him of life as an orphan after he lost his second family.
Donec sneaks away, us all failing our perception rolls to notice. We awake to the news that the queen was attacked again by the same assassin. This attempt apparently went even worse, unsurprisingly. The would-be assassin was due to be executed at midday. Now, logically, the crew should just abandon her. She's clearly a liability and, with upcoming execution, it seems like the queen wasn't bothering to interrogate her. But, we didn't want to just abandon our new player. So we were struggling between what we wanted to happen as players and justifying it as characters. As we were discussing this, Donec's player speaks up and gets very angry. She demands to know why we won't save her. We ask why she ran back in again. She says "Because you can just save me when I fail." We notice she doesn't seem like she regrets her actions and ask her if she plans to attack the queen again if we rescue her. She answers with a yes. We ask her why, in the name of whatever death god she worships, she finds it so important to kill the queen. She answers with, I kid you not, "Because bringing death is the essence of my life." We go, okay then, we're not going to save you if you will just get yourself killed intentionally. She says several unfavourable things that I'd rather not repeat and promptly leaves the server.
Thankfully, we didn't have to find a way to kill her character since it was literally already scheduled. The party attends the execution out of amusement and we make, perhaps too many, jokes. Particular favorite of mine is Oliver stating, right after she is decapitated, "Huh, looks like death was the essence of her death as well."
The rest of the campaign was tons of fun and we're setting up for the next long term one. However, we have not forgotten our brave fallen companion. "Because bringing death is the essence of my life" has become a staple in-joke of ours and we often use it when we are asked for an explanation on just about anything. Let us all pour one out for the terrifying acolyte of death with a total inability to read the room and understand that we were making fun of edgelords like her.