Make dungeons and dragons a comfortable fun environment. Don’t be creepy. Please.Support the show
This story is a guide based on the actions of a few players I got to play with over a few campaigns over the span of a few months. Both the title and the advice, obviously, are heavily sarcastic. All also, unfortunately, based on actual behavior. Also - important to note that this behavior doesn't make them bad people. The guide is written from the male perspective towards a female player because these were the instances I happened to witness, but obviously terrible and creepy behavior can happen with all genders and towards all genders.
So, fellow D&D player, are you lucky enough to get a female player at your table? Rejoice! It is now only a matter of time before you can achieve your ultimate goal - RPing romance! Time to celebrate! But, how do you get to this promised wonderland of having a person describe romantic feelings towards your character?
Follow this simple guide, and you're certain to become irresistible to the woman of your dreams, or other women at the table, if that one somehow doesn't work out.
You and your character are the same, thus if your character does something wrong or disagreeable, this reflects directly on you. Vice versa - any sign of flirtation with your character is a direct sign of the female player to flirt with you out of character. You must capitalize on every such opportunity, and immediately PM the player. also feel free to treat her, for all intents and purposes, as your girlfriend. Do not stop only because she said she's not interested - this applies to both in character and out of character interactions - you must persevere, she'll come around.
Always agree with her. It doesn't matter what the party is discussing, don't you dare have an opinion of your own. Whenever the party votes on a course of action - vote for whatever the woman you're interested in voted for. Your previously established character motivations may clash with that, but it doesn't matter, as long as you agree with her. you're a paladin of the raven queen? sure, your character would care about her tenets, but the female player you're into wants to raise undead, so at that moment you must go along with it and raise those undead.
You must always be in her vicinity. If you're not there, her tiny female brain may get confused, and then she may flirt with someone else or even worst - do something that isn't related to flirting. You cannot allow that, so wherever she goes - you go. The party is splitting up? you go with her. your character has a mission to talk to a specific contact at the tavern the rest of the party is going to while the object of your desire goes elsewhere? well the mission can't be that important - you have a woman to follow, and you intend to do just that.
Sometimes when you want to follow your unknowing girlfriend, she may say she does not wish to be followed. this should not stop you. If you are playing any sort of caster - use that invisibility spell. If you're a druid - use your wild shape. How you do it isn't important - what's important is that you do. Bonus attractiveness points if you sleep in her room in disguise or right outside it. Whatever you do - do not allow her character any privacy. If you have a familiar - have it follow her constantly. If she asks you to not do that, roll stealth.
If your character dies, make your new character better optimized to appeal to her. Is her character a lycanthrope? You're a lycanthrope now! did her character show romantic interest in a goliath NPC? Your character is now a goliath! Never stop trying. Make sure that all decisions you make when creating and playing a character are in the service of your pursuit of her. If you're feeling fancy - you may attempt to play a build that she said she liked, that way she's sure to be impressed. Whatever you do, do not change the character's personality at all. After all - the character is you, so why would his personality change?
Always try to build characters that are support casters. Once your support class has been chosen, make sure the player you are interested in is first in line for buffs and healing. Once that's done, the next in line are other female characters. Male characters only get support and healing as a last resort. Also, do not shy away from wasting high level spell slots on feats meant exclusively to impress her. She feels bad for an injured NPC? time for that 6th level heal! Do not let the fact that another character already healed the NPC stop you, either. How will you get her to like you if you don't spend those resources on the way to that boss fight.
Do not, by any means, play your character the way your class says it should be played. It's much more important to be cool. You take your 13 AC to face that boss head on buddy! also make sure you have low constitution, so that whatever concentration you were holding is broken, and your low HP ensures you go down in two swings. Nothing is going to impress the ladies more than you spending the entire fight unconscious. Do not let your terrible grasp of rules and mechanics stop you from playing the things you think are cool. There's no real need to know the features of the race or class you're playing. In fact, it's better that you don't - the better established your poor grasp of the rules is, the easier it is to pass cheating off as innocent mistakes.
if she seems unimpressed by your performance in combat, the first recourse is cheating. Never try playing your character better, or creating a more competent character - just cheat your way into her heart. We're rolling for stats? time to break out that macro that rerolls ones, no-one's gonna check, it's fine. and if you're caught - just pretend it was an accident, and you were sure that's just the macro we were using. Also remember - the rules of D&D are mere suggestions. You have as many spell slots as you want to have, and don't let that stupid character sheet tell you otherwise. you want to apply sneak attack damage twice per turn? go right ahead. Also make sure to apply it to attacks made with your spiritual weapon.
always make sure you protect her from harm. Remember that this giant barbarian is, at the end of the day, just a weak woman, and despite her repeated claims about wanting to act as the party's tank, you need to draw enemy attention away from her, because her taking damage is just not chivalrous, and you are nothing if not a gentleman, so throw your little mage body in front of the enemy, go jump on that trap, the lady is sure to be impressed.
Her character may have goals and an arc. To impress her - you must do your best to resolve that arc. You must investigate her backstory and interrogate her plot relevant NPCs. this is best done without her present, because having her play out her own character arc is stupid, and it's much better that you do it and just return triumphant to claim her heart. If the DM gets in your way by having the NPCs be reluctant to divulge information, make sure you are incredibly salty. You immediately stop participating and just sulk until the end of the session. This also may be the best time to work against the party. Show her your bad side!
If, god forbid, another male player's character has the audacity to have a positive interaction with the object of your desire - immediately grow petulant. That man is your mortal enemy, both in and out of character, for he clearly intends to steal your woman. The moment this happens - make sure you provide him with no support or healing in combat, under any circumstances. Also make sure you insult him at every possibility. Having your character threaten his is also extremely viable. If he has the audacity to not act afraid, pull out all the stops - reveal your lycanthropy, brandish your weapon. If the other male does not act afraid, demand to roll initiative. If you lose, play it off as a joke. Do not under any circumstances, stop. If you need to do PvP every two sessions, you do just that, dammit.
Every instance of RP you do engage in is to revolve around your tragic, tragic, backstory. You are a poor boy, and you deserve romance out of pity. do not commit to one idea either - you are both a feared legendary warrior who commands respect and fear, and a poor poor boy to be pitied.
Sessions to not require your undivided attention. Playing on your phone or watching TV is strongly encouraged. Only tune back in where a scene comes around that allows you to flirt your heart out, then go all in - it is important that you make things as uncomfortable as possible for all parties involved. Saying you would masturbate to a female party member is a great way to let everyone at the table know your feelings. Big speeches about how wonderful she is are also strongly encouraged.
Prove to your lady love that you are a highly sexual being by constantly commenting on the hotness of NPCs. Approaching waitresses in taverns to have sex with your character for money is always acceptable and never gets old. If not - approach any and all other female NPCs to very much the same effect. If the DM isn't afraid to put attractive female NPCs into the game - you're not doing your job.
If you're the DM, this only means you can now devote your entire world towards your romantic goals. Any and all treasure and plot must go to your crush's character. do not let the constraints of an existing module stop you - you rewrite that module - it's for love! The plot is just a tool through which you court your lady
All NPCs can and will flirt with the lady you like. If another party member attempts to engage with an NPC, you must shut that down immediately, only those deemed worthy of your love get to talk
If a party member disagrees with you lady, you immediately teach that filthy maggot just how cruel your world can be to those who fail to see the light of your radiant goddess - all NPCs immediately turn incredibly rude and hostile, and all enemies will target the perpetrator exclusively.
If you lady love misses a session, that is clearly a session wasted. do not plan for the session, and just drop dungeon tiles and monsters in front of the party as they walk. Make sure all combat is meaningless - you are, after all, only stalling until your future girlfiend comes back.
If your one true love was supposed to miss an entire session, but ends up joining part way through, the only reasonable reaction is to yell "THANK GOD!" into the mic. Your players are sure to enjoy both the volume and the sentiment.
If you followed ALL the advice in this guide, there is a 90% chance that you have now become the object of every female at the table's desire. If your initial query fails to respond to these incredibly powerful tactics, something is clearly wrong with her. In that case - move on to the next female player at the table and try again.